Sunday, February 8, 2015

Breathing and Just Being: On Not Waiting in Ambush


I know: it's been a while. "Better late than never" feels like a hollow apology, but I'm going to have to go with that. Things get busy, and it's unfortunate but this blog tends to fall by the wayside first. But so long as I keep coming back to it, so long as I don't give up, it's okay. I really believe that.

Regardless of any self-derision, I want to move onto the new slogan:
Don't wait in ambush. 
Alternatively, according to "Don't lie in ambush." This didn't resonate as a problem for me, but I'm committed to this line of study no matter what. That means I did look further, to the brief explanatory paragraph:
"You wait in ambush because you seek revenge. Do taking and sending with the anger that drives the revenge."
I'll admit I tried to get even with people a couple of times when I was much younger, but I realized I was hurting myself more than I was hurting them and I lost interest in the idea. So I turned to Tricycle. Once again, I found myself grateful for Judy Lief's insight:
"This slogan is about scheming mind, the mind that never forgets a slight or an insult. Instead it keeps eating away at us, sometimes for years, and even decades." 
I may not seek revenge, but I have been known to hold a grudge. I work to forgive, and frequently am able to do so, but it's rare that I forget. And then, towards the end of her short piece, I found something even more resonant:
"Those remembered insults we hold onto so tightly have taken over our mind. By working with this slogan, we can free ourselves from that unhealthy pattern." 
And all I could think of was the stereotypical little kid, like Agnes up there, holding onto their breath like it's going to change anything. Really, the only person it harms is the child. And holding onto past hurts, whether I seek revenge or not, is only going to hurt me. I need to learn to stop holding my breath. I need to learn to breath and just let things be. That's why, even though the slogan itself didn't seem relevant, Lief's advice for putting it into action did:
"In the present, notice your response when somebody insults you. What is the physical sensation and what thoughts arise in your mind?
Looking back, do a grudge survey.  How many grudges have you been carrying with you, and for how long? How does it feel to carry a grudge, and how does it feel when the grudge softens or dissolves or you consciously let it go?"
I've done it before. I remember how good I felt when I realized I'd let go of my anger about my divorce. If I can forgive and forget that, I can forgive and forget anything. I will need to work on it, but I know I can do it.

So, that's what I'll be working on. Until next time, namaste and all that.

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